


Distorted Reflection

by Aviss



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-16
Updated: 2010-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-07 07:36:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/62886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aviss/pseuds/Aviss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ichigo has the feeling his life is not what it was supposed to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distorted Reflection

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Искаженное отражение](https://archiveofourown.org/works/689500) by [Oxygen_Neutron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oxygen_Neutron/pseuds/Oxygen_Neutron)



**Distorted Reflection**

"I finally found you, Kurosaki Ichigo."

The building was stocky and solid, a wire fence surrounding the entire complex and a guarded door the only access to it. Al least for humans.

The entire place looked and smelled wrong, the stink of disinfectant and desperation hanging around the building like a putrid cloud. Grimmjow scrunched his nose in distaste, loath to associate any of them with his target.

It had taken him forever to find a trail, and the place it led him to had been surprising to say the least.

He stood unseen in front of the windows, his eyes scanning the place trying to distinguish the figures inside. He could go in and out undetected, the chances of someone with enough reiatsu to see him highly unlikely. But he didn't want to. Not yet.

He needed to make sure _he_ was there and what the fuck had happened to him. He could not feel him, but he was convinced Kurosaki was inside that place, hiding from him.

Hiding from everyone; most of it, himself.

He had waited for almost a year; he could wait a couple of days more.

…

"I dreamt of them last night again."

Ichigo sat on the uncomfortable couch, his eyes staring unsightly out of the window while his hands clenched and unclenched rhythmically. He wanted to be anywhere but there, in that soothing pastel room with the softly speaking man looking at him. He hated that room and he hated that man.

But he had nowhere else to go.

"Kurosaki-san," the man said, his voice as low and soft as possible. "We've gone through this already. Those characters, those _Shinigami_, don't exist. Your dreams are only creations of your mind, ways of trying to cope with the tragedy in your past."

Ichigo sighed. He had heard the same words over and over again and it still wasn't any easier to believe them. He knew the man was right, but still those dreams felt more real to him than his inexistent memories of the accident.

"I can picture them in my mind clearly," he insisted, knowing it wasn't going to do any good but needing to say it anyway. "Byakuya, the stiff one with his damned pink scarf and those noodle things on his hair. Rukia, the tough little bitch always giving me hell. Renji, redheaded and loud mouthed, always good fun. Kenpachi, the bloodthirsty bastard always chasing me." His voice sounded wistful, as if he could make them real just by talking about them. He wanted them to be real.

"Kurosaki-san, I know everything about those shinigami and the War you dream about," the man said, his voice and demeanour the picture of patient understanding. Ichigo felt like screaming. "You lost your entire family in an accident, some of your friends perished as well and you were the only survivor. What you're feeling is called survivor's guilt, and the transference of feeling where you feel guilty for living when they don't, to an imaginary scenario where you were directly responsible for their deaths, is normal."

Ichigo shook his head sadly. He knew that, he had read about it and listened to the same rant from the shrink countless times. It still didn't make it any easier to bear.

"But the war feels real, the dreams feel like memories," he insisted, his eyes narrowing, his patience close to snapping point. It was taking more and more of him to sit still in these sessions, not to stand up and punch the damn bastard's face. He knew it was unfair; the doctor was only trying to help him. It didn't make it any easier, though. "There is nothing in my mind to replace them. Where are the real memories if the dreams are false?"

The doctor stood up and began pacing the room; clear sign Ichigo's stubbornness was getting to him.

"There was no war, and there are no shinigami. Check the papers if you like, Kurosaki-san, you will find everything about the explosion in your father's clinic, but nothing about a war." He sat down again and looked at Ichigo with stern eyes. "This has been going on for far too long, if you insist on this we'll need to resume your medication."

_No._

Ichigo shook his head violently. He didn't want medication, not again. Last time it had made the dreams go away, but it had made him incapable of doing much else. He needed to think clearly, needed the reassurance of being in control of his own mind to stop the other voice.

He couldn't allow them to learn about the other one or they were never going to let him go.

"No," he finally said, "that won't be necessary."

He sincerely hoped the doctor was convinced, that he didn't catch the fear of _the other one_ in his voice and expression. That was the one part Ichigo had been able to keep a secret from them since he arrived there, and he wanted to keep it that way. Maybe it was interfering with his treatment, but at that point there was no way he'd talk about _him_ again.

One slip had made more than enough damage.

The doctor nodded almost reluctantly. "Very well, Kurosaki-san. We'll increase your sessions to twice a day and see if there is any improvement. If I don't see progress in a week, we're starting the medication."

Ichigo nodded, almost grateful. He didn't know how talking to the shrink twice a day instead of twice a week was going to make him improve, but he was sick and tired of that place and wanted out. He'd go along with the flow as long as they kept the meds away from him.

"You can go back to your room now," the doctor said, grabbing another folder from the stack over his desk, clearly signalling his interest in Ichigo was over for the moment.

Ichigo didn't waste any time standing up and going to the door.

The way back to his room he made in silence, ignoring the presence of one of the orderlies next to him. In the past six of months he had gone from _dangerous to himself and those around him_ to subdued and quiet, and the staff of the place left him mostly to himself. He appreciated that, and it meant he was one step closer to being released.

He didn't know what he was going to do or where he was going to go if that happened, but he was convinced he wasn't going to find the answers he was looking for inside that place.

He entered his room, white and sterile, and nodded to the orderly before the door closed and he was left alone with his thoughts again.

The doctor said he was suffering from survivor's guilt and posttraumatic stress disorder, all of that related to the accident in his father's clinic. Once upon a time, Ichigo would have been inclined to believe him.

That was before the dreams, when his mind was a complete blank after the day he saved the little ghost-girl.

Not anymore.

…

_Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo_

_Gender: Male_

_Age: 17_

_Diagnosis: Posttraumatic Stress Disorder_

_Background: Kurosaki Ichigo was found unconscious on the street next to his family home. He sustained burns and other injuries which were treated at the local hospital. Upon regaining consciousness, two days after the incident, the patient was disoriented and violent; he was delusional, raging at _shinigami_ and _arrancar_ and talking about a war._

_He was administered sedatives and kept in observation. He seemed to have no knowledge of the accident or what had really happened to his family and friends, insisting on his delusions. The next time he woke up the patient had experimented a partial memory loss, the evens of the past two years wiped clean from his memories. (D.N. Possible defence mechanism? The time frame doesn't fit.)_

_He was released from the hospital when he was deemed healed of his physical injuries and suggested to begin psychological treatment for his amnesia. _

…

Standing unseen on thin air, Grimmjow followed the progress of his target from one room to another.

Kurosaki had been staring out of the window, looking straight at him and had showed no signs of alarm. Not even a hint that he was seeing something unusual. He either was better than before at concealing his emotions, or he couldn't see Grimmjow.

Grimmjow was ready to put his money in the later.

It fucking irritated him; whatever the hell they had done to Kurosaki it seemed to have taken not only his memories, but also his reiatsu. It had taken way too long to track him down without that monstrous reiatsu of him acting as a beacon.

He wanted to tear the fucking place down and get Kurosaki out of there, but he needed to wait. He needed more information so he could restore Kurosaki to his previous self.

Grimmjow was not interested in broken toys.

…

Ichigo knew he was dreaming, but somehow the dream felt real to him. It was almost like a memory, one of those elusive fragments of his past hidden behind the wall in his mind.

He was determined to remember it in the morning.

"I don't like this." The voice belonged to Yoruichi, who was standing at the foot of Ichigo's bed in the hospital. Next to her, Urahara Kisuke was staring at him with something akin to pity. It made Ichigo's blood boil.

"I know, I don't like it either. But better I do it than wait for Yamamoto to send someone else."

Ichigo saw himself opening his eyes from his position in the bed, his lips curling in a snarl.

"Fuck off; I've had it with you shinigami and fucking Soul Society." His voice was laden with hatred and a tiredness Ichigo didn't believe he had felt before.

Urahara nodded sadly. "I know, Kurosaki-kun, and I'm sorry for your loss."

"Spare me, Urahara. What are you doing here?"

"Two things," Urahara showed him something that made Ichigo narrow his eyes, "I know how Soul Society works, and they're going to send someone after you. You are too powerful to leave unchecked, and after what's happened Yamamoto-soutaichou can't risk you losing control of your hollow."

Ichigo shrugged. "Let him."

Urahara shook his head. "There is a solution. I can help you forget, for now." The Ichigo in the bed looked like he wanted to protest, but Urahara raised his hand and he kept silent. "You can have a normal life, but I need to seal your reiatsu along with your memories, or they'll find you easily."

"You're going to do it regardless of what I want, aren't you?" he asked suspiciously. There was nothing he could do against Urahara right now, not in his condition.

"I'm afraid so, Kurosaki-kun. If it's me doing it we can revert it when the time is right. Soul Society won't offer you such a chance. I'd like to have your consent, though. "

He tried to stand from the bed, wincing at the pain of his injuries. They should have let Orihime heal him like she always did, and then he remembered, the wave of pain and anger almost overwhelming him again.

"If I say yes, I don't need to see any of you again?" he asked, his voice chocked in hatred. A small voice in his head told him he might regret it. He just felt like that now because everything was so recent, but he was going to miss his friends once his head felt clearer.

He was going to miss his friends either way, he reminded himself. They were dead.

"No, as long as you don't want to see us," Yoruichi said, her pretty face clouded in sadness. "But it's not permanent. We can reverse it if you ever want us to. If you start remem--"

"Do it," he cut her off, looking straight at Urahara.

"Just another thing. You're going to be helpless without your reiatsu; we need to make sure there are no more Espada alive."

He had not said Arrancar, like the one who had appeared out of nowhere and destroyed everything. Urahara had said Espada, loud and clear. But, as far as Soul society was concerned, there were no Espada alive.

And once Ichigo had no reiatsu and no memories, there wouldn't be as far as he was concerned either.

"There aren't."

"Are you sure, Kurosaki-kun?"

"I am. Do it now if you're going to do it."

Urahara nodded, and the next he knew there was darkness enveloping everything.

In his bed in the institution, Ichigo woke up.

…

_Hypnotherapy Session 1 - Patient Kurosaki Ichigo  
Doctor: Yamagawa Akira  
September 16, 2010 13:45_

_Dr. Yamagawa: We're going to go back in time to the day of the accident. Tell me what you see, Kurosaki-san.  
Kurosaki: Nothing.  
D: That's not possible; there must be something you see. Your house, your family, your friends--  
K: No, there is nothing.  
D: Can you hear something?  
K: No.  
D: What about your other senses? Any smells? Anything you remember eating, touching?  
K: No. There is nothing. It feels as if there is a wall and there are things behind that wall. But here I can't see or feel anything.  
D: You mean you're blocking the memory.  
K: I don't think I'm the one blocking it. I want to get to the other side, but the wall is too tall and wide. I can't cross.  
D: If there is a wall in your mind, Kurosaki-san, you put it there.  
K: No, it wasn't me.  
D: Ok, let's go further back in time. A month before the accident. What can you remember? Tell me if you see or hear something.  
K: Nothing, the same wall.  
D: Follow the wall, picture yourself walking alongside it. Tell me what you find when you reach the end.  
K: It goes on forever.  
D: Keep going Kurosaki-san.  
K: Here, the wall suddenly stops.  
D: What can you see, Kurosaki-san?  
K: I'm kicking some thug in the face.  
D: Why are you doing that, Kurosaki-san?  
K: They were skateboarding and knocked over the flowers. The little girl was sad, I couldn't allow that.  
D: Tell me more about this little girl.  
K: She's sad and scared, but she doesn't cross to the other side. She has blood dripping from her face and her dress it's torn and dirty where the car hit her.  
D: Is she injured? Have you called the hospital?  
K: No need, she's dead. She's been dead for a month already and she knows this. But still she can't cross.  
D: You mean she's a ghost.  
K: Yes, she's a ghost.  
D: But you can see her.  
K: Yes, I've always been able to see them.  
D: Can you still see them now, Kurosaki-san?  
K: No, not anymore. I kind of miss it.  
D: What do you do when you leave the little girl?  
K: I go home and kick my father on the face.  
D: Why? Is your father abusing you?  
K: No, just annoying me. My sisters are having dinner and my father's being his usual obnoxious self. It annoys me, and another ghost has attached itself to me on the way back home. Everything is irritating me today so I go straight to my room to sleep.  
D: What else?  
K: Nothing else. I go to sleep and the wall starts there. I can't see anything else.  
D: We'll come back to this in the next session, Kurosaki-san. For now, you can wake up._

…

_Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo, continuation._

_Treatment: After treating his injuries and releasing the patient from the hospital he was assigned a Psychologist to work on his case. Kurosaki attended the first session, in which they tried hypnotherapy to bring his repressed memories to the surface._

_The first session was a failure, but it brought an interesting fact to light.  
Prior to the accident Kurosaki might have been dealing with certain mental problems. He appears to believe he can see ghosts and has been using it as an excuse for his violent tendencies. We have a report from his school saying he used to get into fights; he wasn't prone to bullying but would respond violently to provocation._

_We're checking his background for a possible parental abuse. Kurosaki admitted to "kick" his father on the face as greeting. His file indicated a single parent home, the loss of the mother apparently a traumatic one, which might have prompted his delusions._

_Patient needs to be kept under observation in case his violent tendencies reappear._

…

The uncomfortable feeling was back with a vengeance.

For the past couple of days Ichigo had been feeling observed, as if the orderlies and doctors had put him under surveillance. He knew this was probably paranoia, and he really didn't need more illness to be added to the ones already on the list. They had done it before, when they had believed he was suicidal and self-harming.

Ichigo had tried to explain it then, but coming from his mouth it had just seemed like another delusion. He could not explain the injuries which landed him in the hospital after barely two months out of it in a way that sounded real. There was no explaining them at all, but he had felt the blows raining on him from nowhere, and he had known it wasn't a call for attention.

He was not so stupid as to hit himself.

At that time he had also felt observed, and he was afraid something might hurt him again. Not that he was afraid of the pain, but if the doctors believed he was trying to take his life they were never going to release him.

And he needed to get out of there. Needed to get to the place he had dreamed about and find the man with the answers. He was sure that shop keeper from his dreams was the key to unlocking his memories.

He needed to find him.

"Whoever is there," he finally said, feeling foolish for doing so. Maybe he really was delusional, and talking to thin air wasn't helping him feel saner. "Just don't. I need to get away from here, and being covered in bruises and cuts won't help."

He waited for a response, any kind of response, for a few seconds, feeling his grip on reality slipping with each passing breath. He was really insane.

He felt it then, a hand surrounding his throat and squeezing lightly. His heart jumped in his chest and his breath got stuck in his throat. _This_ felt real, not like something he had imagined or invented. Ichigo closed his eyes, relieved.

He wasn't delusional. A weight lifted from his chest.

The hands left his throat and he felt a different kind of touch on his face, lips pressing against his and a tongue slipping into his mouth. He opened his eyes again, but there was nobody with him in the room. He moved his hands to where the head should be, but there was only air. The kiss felt real, he could feel the lips and the tongue and teeth closing around his lower lip, biting sharply. His body was feeling it, getting aroused. Ichigo breathed through his nose, eyes narrowing.

It ended as suddenly as it started, leaving Ichigo staring at the blank wall, a trickle of blood running from his mouth to his chin. He touched it and looked at his fingers, the redness there confirming it had not been an illusion.

Ichigo pulled a name from his dreams, the ones the doctors said were not real, and whispered it in the silent room.

"Grimmjow."

…

**Distorted Reflection - Part II**

_Hypnotherapy Session 2 - Patient Kurosaki Ichigo  
Doctor: Yamagawa Akira  
September 27, 2010 13:45_

_Dr. Yamagawa: We're going to try to break the wall down Kurosaki-san, are you ready?  
Kurosaki: I guess.  
D: Let's go to the beginning of the wall. You fall asleep, what is there now?  
K: Nothing, just blackness.  
D: Can you see the wall? Picture it in your mind; see the individual bricks that form it. Try to tear them down.  
K: I can't.  
D: Yes you can. You're strong.  
K: No, I can't see the bricks. There is just the darkness of the wall. If I put my hands to it, it shifts around them.  
_ _D: Push, try to break through.  
K: I'm trying. But it keeps shifting as if avoiding my touch.  
D: Keep trying.  
K: It's not fucking working!  
D: Let's stop. Tell me about the day of the accident.  
K: There is nothing there, just the blackness.  
D: But you dreamt about it. Tell me about your dream.  
K: You said the dream wasn't real.  
D: I know. But I want to hear about it anyway.  
K: Fine. We're getting ready for the party, the clinic is closed and most of my friends have gathered here. There's still some people missing, and my sisters and father are beginning to get on my nerves. I feel uncomfortable, as if there is something I'd rather be doing that celebrating, but we've earned it. They've earned it after the Winter War. I guess it's just me, and I don't want to spoil it for them.  
D: Tell me who's there?  
K: My father and sisters. Inoue. Ishida. Chad. Tatsuki. Keigo. The usual gang. We're still waiting for Rukia and Renji, but they're coming and they said they'd bring Urahara and the rest of the shinigami with them. Shinji and his group stopped by a few minutes ago, but they didn't stay.  
D: You keep fidgeting; you're feeling restless, why?  
K: I'm waiting for someone else. He's not invited but I'm sure he'll come. If he does, all hell is going to break loose and I don't want that.  
D: Why do you think that person's presence is a bad thing?  
K: As far as everyone is concerned, he's not alive.  
D: Is he a ghost?  
K: No, not exactly.  
D: What is he?  
K: An enemy. A fucking pest. A friend?  
D: But you still want to see him.  
K: Yes.  
D: Right. Tell me more.  
K: I say I'm going to get more sake and beer. Renji is bringing Madarame and Matsumoto with him, they'll probably drink us out of house and home, the bottomless pits.  
D: Is this true?  
K: Yes. No. It's true, but it's not the reason I want to leave. I've felt him close and I can tell Inoue has as well. I have to stop him reaching the house before the shinigami get here.  
D: So you leave.  
K: Yes, I go after him.  
D: What happens when you find him?  
K: The usual.  
D: Please elaborate. There is no need for you to be ashamed, remember it's not real, just a dream.  
K: Fine. He--he--we fight. That's nothing new, we're always fighting, but at least this time we're not trying to kill each other. I'm shouting at him, telling him to fuck off and don't come close to the house. He grabs me and holds me against a wall, pinning me there with his body. He--  
D: Continue Kurosaki-san, please.  
K: He kisses me, alright? I know I should have stopped this before, it's not right. But I didn't, I don't want to. He's kissing me and I kiss him back.  
D: You're kissing a man, is that what embarrasses you about this situation?  
K: No! I'm kissing a fucking Espada! I should have killed him, but I didn't.  
D: Why do you think you had to kill this man?  
K: Did you not hear me? He's an Espada, an enemy. We've tried to kill each other countless times; we fought in opposite sides of the War. Instead we're screwing each other against the first available surface whenever we get the chance.  
D: Is that what you're doing now instead of attending your party?  
K: Yes. I know I have to get him away from here before we're discovered, but I can't think clearly when we're like this. I never could, I guess that's always been the problem.  
D: Are you discovered, then?  
K: No. There's this loud explosion and we break apart. We rush to the source of the noise and I lose it.  
D: Tell me what you see.  
K: My house is gone. There is nothing there, as if someone has shot a powerful cero before they had the chance to notice. I can see bodies among the rubble, though I can't recognize any of them from this distance. I know who they are; I don't need to see it closer.  
D: What else is there?  
K: An Arrancar. A fucking Arrancar. They are all supposed to be dead, but somehow we missed this one, those fuckers at Soul Society didn't clean up Hueco Mundo properly. Grimmjow is there, next to me, staring at the Arrancar and getting ready to shot him into oblivion. I don't let him.  
D: What's happening now?  
K: I'm screaming at Grimmjow to get the fuck away from my sight. This has finally woken me up, what the fuck I was doing with an Espada? He's the same as that thing that just destroyed my house. Grimmjow doesn't move and I attack him.  
D: But he wasn't the one who did it.  
K: I know. But he's the reason I wasn't there to stop it. I should have been with my family and friends, instead I was rutting against this bastard in a godforsaken alley. The other Arrancar shots another cero, straight at us and Grimmjow deflects it and shots one in response. The Arrancar vanishes, dissolving into ashes unable to withstand Grimmjow's cero. I can feel Renji and Rukia's presence with half of Soul Society on tow and I know Grimmjow is a goner the moment they arrive. He knows as well. I'm not thinking clearly and I want to blame someone so I attack him, trying to stop him leaving. Normally, I can beat him, but I can't reach my badge and change; and the other one, the one in my head, is screaming at me.  
D: Who's the one in your head?  
K: I don't want to talk about him.  
D: You need to.  
K: No. You said this is a dream, not real.  
D: We'll come back to this later, then. Tell me the rest of your dream.  
K: There is nothing more. I'm fighting Grimmjow and the shinigami are approaching. Grimmjow shots a cero and I can't dodge on time, I'm not as agile when I'm not in my spiritual form. This is where I woke up.  
D: Tell me what you remember, really remember, of the accident.  
K: Nothing, same as before. Nothing.  
D: We still need to talk about that voice in your head; do you hear it only when you're dreaming?  
K: I don't want to talk about it, I said.  
D: Calm down, Kurosaki-san. I'll stop here, you can wake up now._

…

Grimmjow smiled, the taste of Kurosaki's lips and blood still fresh in his mouth.

Kurosaki was not as beaten as he feared; his toy wasn't broken beyond repair.

He had not intended to approach him yet, but Grimmjow wasn't a patient being. A year, a fucking year since the last time he had fucked Kurosaki was more than what Grimmjow was willing to wait. He wasn't used to deny himself his pleasures and didn't put much stock in delayed satisfaction. He wanted his toy back.

Grimmjow wasn't willing to admit, not even to himself, that his search for Kurosaki meant more than that. Granted, he had had toys before and had never given a fuck whether they broke or not. He usually got tired of them long before that.

Kurosaki Ichigo was different, special. He didn't need to submit to Grimmjow, he wanted to. Had wanted to since before the War ended. He had seen it coming while they were still in Hueco Mundo, and had no qualms taking advantage of it: Kurosaki had nothing to prove to Grimmjow in terms of strength, not after fighting him, and took everything Grimmjow dished him with a hunger that surprised both of them.

He had thought, after the first few times, that he'd grow tired of Kurosaki. He'd been wrong.

Surprisingly enough, every time he had Kurosaki under him he wanted more, the thirst increasing instead of being quenched.

And that last time, when Kurosaki had turned against him and looked at Grimmjow with hatred and distaste had really irked him. It had been the last time he had seen Kurosaki as he remembered him, all fire and passion and life.

He had been forced to leave then, the approach of the shinigami as timely as it always was.

The next time he had seen him, Kurosaki had changed. He didn't see Grimmjow, didn't heard him, and his eyes were vacant and haunted. He had been close to killing him right then and there, killing that empty shell trying to replace Kurosaki Ichigo. He had managed to control himself in the nick of time, but had lost Kurosaki's trail right after he had been discharged from the hospital.

Now he had found him again, and this time he was going to get his toy back whatever the cost.

…

_Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo, continued._

_Kurosaki Ichigo was admitted into ER with injuries and lacerations of diverse severity on his body. He was conscious but unable to give a reasonable explanation for them. He insists on them not being self-inflicted. Due to the severity of some of the wounds the doctor who treated him suspects he might have been involved in a fight, which the patient denies. He claims being attacked by an unseen person._

_It seems his violent tendencies are returning, in conjunction with his delusions, we advise admitting him into an institution for further treatment._

_Treatment: The second hypnotherapy session failed to remove the block on the patient's memories, but two facts stand clear from that session._

_First, there seems to be transference of guilt to a subject in his dreams. His dreams seem to indicate possible sexual identity problems. Patient admits to have a relationship with a man in his dreams, though he doesn’t seem perturbed by the gender of his partner. He does treat him like and enemy, though, which might indicate he hasn't accepted his own homosexuality at a subconscious level._

_Most disturbing is, though, the mentions of _the other one_. The mention of this other person, who apparently speaks inside the head of the patient, made Kurosaki close up and refuse to give more information. He responded with fear and anger to repeated attempts to bring up the subject. This other person might be the same one in his dreams and fantasies, but for what I gather from his dream it could be a completely different person. More information in this is needed before a diagnosis can be made, but this fact coupled with Kurosaki's delusions of seeing ghosts even before the amnesia, points at the possibility of Schizophrenia. _

…

Ichigo sat in the hideous pastel room again, staring out of the window and counting the minutes for the session to be over.

He'd been going there to have those chats with the shrink twice a day, as it had been requested, and the only thing that had changed since the first time was that Ichigo felt his patience wearing thinner with each session.

They were not helping. They couldn't help.

He was more convinced than ever that he wasn't insane, that his dreams were the real memories. It didn't matter what the doctor said, he knew what he had felt and it had felt real.

"I want you tell me about your dreams again Kurosaki-san," the doctor said breaking the silence, apparently convinced that Ichigo wasn't going to speak without prompting.

Ichigo turned to look at him curiously. "I though those dreams were interfering with my treatment and I wasn't supposed to think or talk about them," he said, his tone flat and controlled.

The doctor nodded. "You're right, and that's the reason I want to hear about them."

Ichigo blinked, not saying anything, and the doctor sighed.

"Kurosaki-san, we both know you're smart. I told you three days ago that if you continued having those dreams I'd start your medication to try to repress them," Ichigo nodded, acknowledging the doctor's words. "You're still having them, only now you won't talk about them. This is not helping either."

"How do you know?" Ichigo asked, defensively. He realized his mistake immediately and cursed inwardly. The doctor smiled.

"One of the orderlies heard you last night. Sometimes you talk in your sleep, and apparently last night you were very loud."

Ichigo felt his face heating up at what the doctor was implying. He remembered the previous night's dream. He had dreamt about Grimmjow.

"I find it curious," the doctor continued as if Ichigo's silence was an admission of guilt. He guessed it was, in a way. "That you talk about the shinigami freely, and also about the arrancar and the war. But there is something you never mention about your dreams."

_Shit!_ He knew what was coming.

"Or should I say someone." The doctor looked at Ichigo straight in the eye, holding his gaze. "Tell me about the Espada."

There was no way to get out of that one, but luckily the doctor had not phrased it properly. Ichigo could talk about the Espada; he had no problem talking about them as long as he kept it vague and general.

"In my dreams," he began, making sure the doctor noticed it. He wasn't going to make the same mistake again, he wasn't about to insist in them being real. "The Espada are the strongest Arrancar, Aizen's generals in the war. They are powerful and bloodthirsty, and very difficult to kill."

The doctor wasn't fooled, though. "I have here the transcript from one of your hypnotherapy sessions. You talk about Espada, but it seems you're referring to only one of them."

"Do I?"

The doctor sighed. "Kurosaki-san, I'm not stupid and I know you're not either. Don't try to confuse me with this. Tell me about this particular Espada."

Ichigo clenched his jaw, annoyed. The doctor wanted to hear about Grimmjow, well, he was going to hear about Grimmjow. If the orderly had reported Ichigo's dream to the doctor there wasn't much to hide anyway.

"In my dream Grimmjow is the Sexta Espada. The sixth strongest fighter and a fucking psychopath. He's always out for blood, my blood."

"That's not all he is, right Kurosaki-san?"

"No, that's not all," he said looking at the doctor and willing his body not to betray any embarrassment about what is coming. "It starts that way, but soon we realize it's more than that. We try to kill each other, and then we save each other's lives. It doesn't make sense to anyone else, but if someone is going to kill the fucker it better be me. I know he feels the same."

"That's very possessive, isn't it?"

"Yes, but we're in the middle of a war, we don't care about what the rest thinks. It works for us."

"You don't stay as enemies for long, do you?" The doctor prompted as soon as Ichigo fell silent.

"We _are_ enemies, we will always be enemies. He's an Espada, I'm a Shinigami. What can we be if not that?"

The doctor held his gaze, one of his hands tapping gently the papers on top of his desk where Ichigo's file was. "Lovers, for what I can see."

"Yes, that too," Ichigo said finally averting his eyes.

"Is that right, then?" the doctor said, sounding surprised for the first time.

Ichigo looked at his again. "Yes. It shouldn't have happened, but I suppose it's unavoidable. We're unable to stay away from each other; we should have seen it coming sooner."

"For what you say, Grimmjow is a man."

"He's not human, he's not even alive. But yes, he's male."

The doctor looked at him, his eyes narrowing slightly. "And you're comfortable with it?"

"Yes."

"Are you homosexual?" The doctor asked bluntly, finally bringing up the point he seemed to have been fixated on. Ichigo was ready for it.

He allowed a small smile to curve his lips. "I don't think I am. This is not real, just a dream, remember?"

The doctor returned his smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You're right, Kurosaki-san. We're finished for today. I'll see you in the morning."

Ichigo left, feeling like he had scored a small victory.

It lasted exactly until the moment they brought him dinner. Next to his food was a small plastic container with some pills.

…

** Distorted Reflection - Part III**

Ichigo stared at the pills in his hand, his brow creasing in a frown.

He wasn't going to take them, not as long as he could find a way to avoid it. At his back, he heard the orderly cough, and he put his hand to his mouth and pretended to swallow the pills, letting them fall to the inside of his sleeve in a quick movement.

It was a cheap trick; one he knew would only work this time. The old patient who taught it to him had warned him that: the orderlies might trust him enough now not to check if he had really taken them, that was certainly going to change after the doctor realized he had tricked them.

That was ok with Ichigo, he just needed a bit more time.

He was convinced now, after that visit from Grimmjow and that kiss, that he wasn't insane. The dreams were real, the Shinigami were real.

And if that was the case then Kisuke Urahara was real.

And he was the only one who could unlock Ichigo's memories and get him out of that place.

Now he just needed to contact him.

If only Grimmjow would be so good as to appear now Ichigo needed him.

…

_Hypnotherapy Session 3 - Patient Kurosaki Ichigo  
Doctor: Yamagawa Akira  
October 3, 2010 11:30_

_Dr. Yamagawa: Kurosaki-san, we're going to go back to one thing you mentioned on the last session, is that ok with you?  
Kurosaki: I guess.  
D: You were talking about your dream on the day your family died. Are you still unable to remember any fact?  
K: Yes, the wall is still there.  
D: Did you have more dreams about that man, Grimmjow?  
K: No.  
D: Did you have more dreams about the Shinigami?  
K: No.  
D: So the medication is working.  
K: I guess.  
D: You seem listless, is something wrong Kurosaki-san?  
K: No.  
D: But usually you have more energy. Are you sleeping well?  
K: Yes.  
D: But no dreams?  
K: No.  
D: Fine. Kurosaki-san, you mentioned something in the last session which made me curious.  
K: Did I?  
D: Yes. You said something about _the other one_.  
K: …  
D: Don't you have anything to say about that?  
K: No.  
D: You don't want to talk about it.  
K: No.  
D: You need to.  
K: No.  
D: Kurosaki-san..  
K: I said no!  
D: Kurosaki-san, calm down. Why does the mention of the other one upset you?  
K: I don't want to talk about him.  
D: So there is someone there. I need to know about him to help you, Kurosaki-san.  
K: You can't help me.  
D: Is that what you believe?  
K: …  
D: Kurosaki-san, if you don't believe I can help you, why are you here?  
K: I need to. The dreams and the headaches are driving me insane.  
D: But this other person might be related to this.  
K: No he's not. And that's all I'm going to say about him.  
D: Just one last thing and we'll let this subject rest, ok?  
K: Ok.  
D: Is this other one also an enemy or an ally?  
K: Both. He's my worst enemy and also my strongest ally.  
D: How is that possible?  
K: He doesn't exist without me; he needs me alive, though he hates it.  
D: In that case…  
K: I'm not going to talk about it anymore, Doctor.  
D: Fine Kurosaki-san. I want you to tell me about your sexuality.  
K: What?  
D: In our last session you mentioned dreaming about having sex with a man.  
K: That was just a dream.  
D: Are you attracted to men, Kurosaki-san?  
K: No.  
D: Is there any girl you are attracted to, then?  
K: No.  
D: Do you dream about girls? About having sex with girls?  
K: I guess.  
D: Can you remember any of those dreams now?  
K: No, not right now.  
D: And do you dream about other boys?  
K: No, just Grimmjow. And he doesn't exist.  
D: So you don't consider you are attracted to men.  
K: No, maybe. I don't know. I haven't thought about that.  
D: What's your opinion about homosexuality?  
K: I don't have one.  
D: You don't?  
K: I don't care about what people do or who they like. It's not an issue that concerns me.  
D: But in our last session you said Grimmjow was an enemy. Is it because he's a man and you're attracted to him?  
K: No. It's because he's a bloodthirsty fucker who tries to kill me every time he sees me.  
D: I don't know if you notice it, Kurosaki-san, but this is the most emotion you have displayed in the session. Why does talking about this subject upset you so?  
K: It doesn't upset me.  
D: You don't need to lie, Kurosaki-san.  
K: It's just a dream, I don't get upset about dreams.  
D: Is that the problem, Kurosaki-san? That this person is just a dream?  
K: …  
D: Kurosaki-san, please answer.  
K: Yes, ok.  
D: Why? Do you want him to be real?  
K: Yes.  
D: Even if he's trying to kill you all the time?  
K: Yes. I want him to be real. I want all of them to be real. I'd rather know they're real than not knowing anything at all.  
D: I think you're telling the truth, but not all of it.  
K: What?  
D: You only have this strong reaction when you talk about _the other one_, whom you refuse to talk about, and this Grimmjow.  
K: So?  
D: When you talk about the Shinigami in your dreams you do so with longing, you really want them to be real.  
K: Yes.  
D: But when you talk about this person there is something else.  
K: I don't know what you're talking about.  
D: You do. But I'm going to let this go for now. This session is over._

_…_

_Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo, continued._

_After starting the medication, patient Kurosaki Ichigo showed a slight improvement. The dreams seemed to be under control and his behaviour improved, he was calmer and easier to talk to, and he evidenced neither violent tendencies nor self-harming ones. As a side effect he seemed listless and was difficult to get a reaction out of him. His answers to the questions were monosyllabic, and he seemed disinterested in the conversation._

_He still refused to talk about the issue of that other person, though his responses to other questions seemed to indicate his homosexuality, though real, is not an issue here. Kurosaki Ichigo appears to be completely uninterested in sex, only the figure of that Grimmjow arousing any interest in him. This character might be his mind's interpretation of a real person, and though in denial, Kurosaki's feelings for him seem to be be real._

_It could be interesting finding out who the real person this Grimmjow represents is and, if that's possible, confronting them. It might help Kurosaki recover his memories being faced with the only person we've found that gets a strong reaction out of him._

_If that person exists, that's it._

_In the meantime, we'll continue with the medication for another two weeks._

…

Grimmjow slipped into the room undetected, like every other time he had done so, and stared at Kurosaki Ichigo.

Ichigo was sitting on his bed, his eyes fixed on the blank wall, one of his hands was resting on his thigh, the other was closed in a tight first.

"You took your sweet time coming back, Grimmjow," Kurosaki said in a low whisper, not turning to look at where Grimmjow was.

It was almost morning, and for what he had said, Kurosaki had probably been waiting for him without sleeping the entire night.

Grimmjow's lips curled in a smile. So he had felt his presence, even if he couldn't see him. That was good. He approached Kurosaki and grabbed the front of his shirt, lifting him bodily from the bed and then throwing him on top of it. Kurosaki didn't resist and Grimmjow narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

It reminded him that, though not as badly as he had feared, but his toy was still broken.

"They're going to drug me again," Kurosaki said in the silence, his closed hand opening and revealing two brightly colored pills. "I dodged this one, and I can probably get away with the dose at breakfast, but after that I have my session with the shrink, and he's going to force them down my throat whether I like it or not."

Grimmjow frowned, approaching the bed and listening to Kurosaki's rambles.

"I don't know if I am insane as they say, but I know I didn't imagine falling onto the bed right now. So you must be here, and you must be real. For now, I know this and it's enough. The moment I take these pills, that's going to change."

Grimmjow knocked the pills out of Kurosaki's hand and they fell to the floor, neither of them turned to look at them. Kurosaki's lips curled in a wry smile. "Yeah, well, I don't want them either. It's not as if I have a choice. I'm talking to thin air, so as far as they are concerned I _am_ insane and they are going to drug me."

Grimmjow felt his blood boiling at the acceptance in Kurosaki's voice, as if he had no control over his future. He wasn't like that, and whatever the fuck had been done to him to turn him into this, Grimmjow was going to find the fucker responsible and tear him into a million pieces. Unable to help himself, Grimmjow climbed on top of Kurosaki's body, straddling his hips, and grabbed his shoulders. He pulled him up, his body moving like a broken doll, and took his lips in a salvage kiss.

Kurosaki's hands curled into tight fists, his mouth opening immediately and allowing Grimmjow to plunder it. He didn't return the kiss, though, just letting Grimmjow take whatever he wanted.

This only angered him more, and he pushed Kurosaki roughly back to the bed, his hands grabbing the shirt and ripping it open. He leaned over the exposed chest, biting and scratching the soft skin there.

"Fuck Grimmjow, don't you dare mark me now!" Kurosaki snapped, his voice slightly breathless and so much like what Grimmjow was used to, he couldn't help the smile that curled his lips. He closed his teeth over a nipple and Kurosaki moaned. "Fucking bastard, stop it now!"

He ignored him, still exploring his chest with lips and teeth, one of his hands slipping under the waistband of his pants. Kurosaki was hard, and Grimmjow wanted to fuck him into the mattress like he had not wanted anything before.

"Stop Grimmjow, fuck!" Kurosaki groaned when his hand curled around his cock. "I can't fucking touch you!" he hissed and Grimmjow stopped cold. Kurosaki panted loudly on the bed, visibly struggling to find his voice. "I want to fuck you, you bastard. And I want you to fuck me, so I must really be insane and deserve to be in this place for the little I've dreamt about us."

Grimmjow chuckled, squeezing Kurosaki's cock and eliciting a low moan from him, before withdrawing his hand.

"I still don't know the whole story, but I know that if you're real, and you feel fucking real right now, then Urahara is real as well." Kurosaki blinked slowly, and then he sat up on the bed and stared at the place Grimmjow was with narrowed eyes, making him wonder for a second if he could actually see him. Then the illusion was gone and Kurosaki sighed. "You want me? Get Kisuke Urahara and tell him where I am. Tell him I want my memories back."

_Kisuke Urahara. _

For some reason that name was slightly familiar to him.

"I'll get that Shinigami, Kurosaki," Grimmjow said, though he knew Kurosaki couldn't hear him. "And when you're out of here, I'm going to finish this."

He left without looking back. He had a Shinigami to find.

…

Ichigo sat in the psychologist's office, dreading what he knew was about to happen and at the same time eagerly anticipating it.

He was grateful that the shirt he was wearing hid the marks the bastard had left on his body, but they were proof enough in his mind that he wasn't delusional, and that he was going to get out of there soon.

Grimmjow was going to find Urahara, he had no doubt of that.

"Kurosaki-san," the doctor said, looking at him with something like disappointment in his eyes. "You didn't take your medicine last night, and you haven't taken it this morning either."

Ichigo shook his head. There was no point denying the bloody obvious. "No. You said a week, it was just three days."

The doctor sighed. "Kurosaki-san, I decided to start your medication again sooner than agreed because you lied to me," he explained patiently, as if he was talking to small child or a retard. Or an insane person, Ichigo guessed. "That doesn't help your recovery."

"The pills won't help my recovery either," Ichigo retorted, now everything was about to come to the end, he didn't want to play along anymore. If someone was going to help him, it wasn't going to be this man.

"They stop the delusions."

"I'm not delusional," he insisted.

He wasn't, and he had the marks to prove it. He just knew showing them to the doctor was worthless, he was going to insist they were self-inflicted and still pump him full of drugs.

"Yes you are, Kurosaki-san. And this is for your own good," the doctor said soothingly, signalling to someone at Ichigo's back.

He had not heard the door opening but he wasn't surprised to know they weren't alone. He turned and saw one of the orderlies advancing toward him, a small plastic cup in his hand. He could put up a fight a resist taking the pills, but he knew it was going to be useless. He had seen how they injected some patients who refused the drugs, and knew they would do the same to him.

And anyway, it didn't matter. Not anymore.

He had already sent the message, if everything was just in his mind, then he'd stay in that place doped up to the gills. And it would really be the best for him. But if he was right and he wasn't insane, then the cavalry was on the way.

He just needed to wait.

He took the offered pills and swallowed them.

…

**Distorted Reflection - Part IV**

Ichigo stared out of the window, watching the wind rustling the trees in the courtyard, the few visitors who came and went into the institution moving slowly, as if walking underwater. Or maybe it was him who was underwater? It didn't seem to matter.

He looked at them, following their motions but unable to stir even the minimum interest for their comings and goings.

They weren't there for him.

_No one is coming for you._

Yes, that was right. There was no one there for him.

_I am the only one who will always be with you. At least until I become you._

There was something basically wrong with that thought, though he was unable to put his finger on it.

It felt as if he had expected someone to come for him, as if he had really believed someone was going to appear in that place and make the world make sense again.

He might have believed that before, but that had been days ago, and nothing had happened.

No, he was alone and he was going to stay in that place for a long time it seemed, taking those shiny little pills that made the world blurry around the edges and Ichigo not give a fuck about it.

He didn't understand. He had been so sure, so convinced.

_You're alone, King._

Yes, he was aware of that. It had all been in his head, like Dr. Yamagawa said. Like the voice in his mind said. What more proof did he need that he was insane and delusional than the fact that he was hearing voices?

He sighed, closing his eyes.

In the back of his closed lids he could see a smirking, colourless face, his mouth openings to utter taunting and mocking words. Ichigo snapped his eyes open.

_Afraid of me now?_

He ignored the voice, he was getting more and more adept at it each passing day, and counted the leaves falling to the ground, still watching the people walking down the courtyard.

They might not be coming for him, but something told him not to give up and keep watching.

…

Grimmjow scowled at the buildings surrounding him, his hands itching to summon a cero and blast that entire fucking town into nothingness.

Why the fuck had he believed it would be easy to find one pesky shinigami?

Four days. Four whole fucking days searching through Karakura and he had turned up shit all. He was beyond furious now.

The only things he had to help him with the search were a name and a vague memory of overhead conversations. He remembered Yammi, that useless oaf, had lost his arm to that particular shinigami the first time he went to earth. Grimmjow had been pretty amused when he heard that story. At least until his own arm was also lost.

But if the guy was so powerful to take down Yammi without breaking a sweat, how the fuck did he manage to conceal his reaitsu so thoroughly?

He had been sending his _pesquisas_ around the entire town for the past four days, and except for a single hollow unfortunate enough to cross Grimmjow's path when he was feeling angry, he had come up with nothing.

All of Kurosaki's old friends, the ones who would have been able to see Grimmjow and take him to see that Urahara character, had died in the explosion. And this was taking to bloody long for his taste.

Not to mention that Kurosaki's condition had taken a turn for the worse.

Grimmjow had gone back to the institution and had seen Kurosaki staring blindly out of the window, not reacting to his presence at all. It had taken all of Grimmjow's restrain not to beat him up again there and then.

It would have been useless in any case.

As he had said, whatever the fuck they had forced him to take were bad news.

Well, if he couldn't find the shinigami, then he'd make the shinigami find him. One way or the other he was going to get Urahara.

He stopped concealing his reiatsu and picked a derelict building in the outskirts of the town aiming a cero at it and watching it crumble to the ground. Usually he would have just gone for the closest thing at hand, regardless of the humans lives he could destroy, but in that case he'd have to kill straight away whatever shinigami they sent after him.

And everything he was doing would be for naught if he went and killed that Urahara before he fixed Kurosaki.

He sat on the building in front of the rubble to wait. He didn't have to wait long.

"The signal reads Espada, Renji," he heard a voice approaching, and it stirred a faint recognition in him. "It has to be him! There's no one else--"

"It can't be--"

The two shinigami stopped dead in the middle of the rubble, staring straight at Grimmjow with shocked expressions. He knew them, the tiny bitch who followed Kurosaki around like a faithful dog and the loud redhead who was always with her. He smirked; for once luck had been on his side.

"Grimmjow!" the redhead shouted.

"I told you he was alive," the girl said. She was staring at Grimmjow with surprise etched on her face, but there was nothing of the animosity the other one was regarding him with.

In an instant the redhead was in front of Grimmjow, his sword already released and coming at him. Grimmjow blocked the hit barehanded, almost lazily, before getting to his feet and jumping down to where the girl was.

"Rukia!" he heard the guy shouting, the extendable sword flying at him again. Grimmjow side stepped without even looking back, all his attention focused on the girl.

She had her hand on the hilt of her sword, but made no movement to draw it. It seemed she was more level-headed than the other one.

"Renji, stop!" she snapped, darting a quick look over Grimmjow's shoulder, where the reaitsu being released indicated the shinigami was about to unleash his bankai. Fool.

"You," he said, glaring at the girl. "Take me to Kisuke Urahara. Now."

She looked startled for a second before a calculating expression took over her features.

"Why?"

Grimmjow narrowed his eyes, taking a menacing step toward her. Before he could reach her, though, the redhead appeared between them, a fierce scowl on his face.

"You," Grimmjow said looking at the guy, Renji, with barely contained distaste. "Get out of my way before I kill you. I don't want to listen to Kurosaki's rants if I kill one of his friends," he looked at the girl again, "You. Take me to Urahara before I lose my patience."

He didn't miss the shock on their faces when he said Kurosaki's name, not the way Renji called back his sword almost immediately, darting a quick glance at the girl.

"You know where Ichigo is?" she asked, a frown etched on her forehead, her eyes narrowed.

"I do," he said, the last threads of patience close to snapping point. Why was he wasting his time here with these two idiots? "Now take me to that Urahara so he can fix him."

…

He had been standing in front of that damned shop with Urahara under his nose before, Grimmjow realised chagrined the moment they arrived to their destination.

The trip had been quick and silent, the annoying redhead glaring mutinously at Grimmjow the entire way, the girl just leading them to their destination without bothering to check if they were following. Grimmjow had never liked her, and he clearly remembered trying to kill the bitch at least twice, though at that precise moment he didn't mind her that much.

At least she seemed smarter than the other one.

"Urahara-san!" she called pounding the door with her small fist the instant they arrived, "Urahara-san, get your arse out here!"

The door flew open and two weird kids stared at them with narrowed eyes, a dark skinned woman appearing behind them. "What's with the ruckus, Rukia?" she said, scowling, and then her eyes moved to Grimmjow and narrowed as well. "Kisuke!" she shouted, stepping out of the shop.

Grimmjow didn't think much of Urahara Kisuke when he came out. The guy looked _normal_, from his clothes to his demeanour nothing indicated this guy was a powerful shinigami.

Urahara appeared, a fan half concealing his face and a hat obscuring his eyes, in his other hand he had a cane which his gripped tightly the moment he set eyes on Grimmjow. He lowered the fan, his mouth curling in a smile which was obviously forced by the way his entire body was tense.

"Oh my, Kurosaki-san didn't tell us the entire truth," he said and Grimmjow felt the insane urge to wipe that fake smirk from his face with a punch. "There was an Espada left after all."

Grimmjow narrowed his eyes, taking a menacing step toward Urahara. The girl beat him to it, though, stepping between Grimmjow and the infuriating man and pointing an accusing finger at him.

"_He_ was looking for you," Rukia said, as if that was enough explanation for her taking Grimmjow to him. "And he knows where Ichigo is." She glared heatedly at Urahara, her mouth set in an unforgiving line. "Are you going to tell us the truth about what happened to Ichigo now or do we need to ask him?"

"What do you mean, Rukia?" Renji asked, his eyes narrowing in the direction of Urahara, an expression of puzzlement still lurking under the surface of his growing suspicion.

"I don't believe Ichigo would leave for such a long time without contacting us," she insisted, throwing a sharp look over her shoulder. "He might have needed some time to recover after what happened, but he's not the kind to disappear for a year. And I haven't been able to find him at all. You did something to him."

Urahara took one look at their faces and threw his hands up in surrender. "Fine, I'll tell you. But not here. Come inside," he said, all amusement disappearing from his expression.

Grimmjow looked as everyone entered the shop, and wondered if he should follow. He didn't have any desire to be surrounded by shinigami, and didn't trust them in the slightest.

Especially that Urahara.

"You too, Grimmjow."

There was nothing for it, not if he wanted Kurosaki back to his old self.

Grimmjow followed them.

…

Every single shinigami Grimmjow had known, including Kurosaki Ichigo, was bad news. This lot were also completely insane.

He scowled at the tea cup set in front of him, the rest of the group sitting in a circle around a low table and staring intently at Urahara. What the fuck was that? A bloody tea party? It even had the mad hatter, all things considered.

They were wasting time, and Grimmjow's patience was at an all time's low.

If they didn't get on with it soon he was going to kill the fuckers.

"I didn't lie, not about everything," Urahara said when he was certain he had everyone's attention. "It's just a temporary measure. He needed to take a break from being a shinigami, and after everything that happened I didn't trust Soul Society to just let him be. "

Rukia's expression darkened at those words. She looked as if she wanted to kick Urahara's face. Grimmjow understood the feeling.

"What did you do?" She grated through clenched teeth. The other one, Renji, was also looking at him murderously, his own anger coming off in waves.

"Nothing permanent," Urahara sighed, "and he agreed."

"You took his memories and sealed his reiatsu," Grimmjow finally said, and all eyes turned to him. "Took me fucking forever to find him. Now, go and fix him."

Urahara shook his head. "No. He will come here when he wants his memories back," he said, taking a sip from his cup. The next instant the cup shattered against the floor, hot tea spreading between him and Grimmjow. He had gone for his throat, his patience finally snapping, only to stop at the feel of a sword at his neck.

He had not even seen it drawn, and for the first time he could feel the power inside the shinigami, it made him shiver with the desire to beat him. Urahara didn't look calm or amused anymore, his face held a deadly serious expression.

"That would be a very bad idea, Grimmjow," he said, his tone cold as ice and his eyes hard and flat. "I sealed his reaitsu for a reason, to prevent any rogue arrancar left looking for him as much as to keep him safe from Soul Society. He either lied to me when he said there were no more Espada alive or he didn't know you were around."

Grimmjow narrowed his eyes. "He knew," he spat, refusing to move a single inch back. He wanted to fight Urahara as he hadn't wanted to fight anyone in a long time, but that wouldn't be a good idea given the circumstances.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Grimmjow said, his lips curling in a smirk. "Kind of difficult to miss the guy fucking you is alive."

He heard shocked gasps at his back and a low chuckle coming from the woman. Urahara just stared at him with an arched eyebrow, his sword still resting firmly against Grimmjow's collarbone.

"Even though," he said, "I've left enough clues for him to know where to find me when he wants. If he hasn't come that means he's not ready yet."

"He can't," Grimmjow growled and the sword finally withdrew. Urahara took a step back and looked at him questioningly.

"What do you mean?"

"Kurosaki is locked up in some place full of crazy people, and he wants out. Now, get there and fix him or I'll fucking kill you."

…

Doctor Yamagawa was speaking again.

Sometimes Ichigo wondered if the guy just spoke because he liked the sound of his own voice for all the good his words did to him. He remembered a few days ago he had been unaccountably angry with the doctor, now he just bored Ichigo to tears.

He had not felt anything but weariness and boredom since he started taking the pills.

"You haven't spoken much since we started your medication, Kurosaki-san," the doctor said, looking at him with a sympathetic expression which would have made his blood boil before. Ichigo shrugged.

"I have nothing to say."

"You don't?"

"No."

The doctor looked at him considering for an instant. "You haven't refused your pills since the first time either, why is that?"

Another shrug. "I don't see a reason to."

"So you see why you need to take them now?" The doctor said and he sounded very smug. Ichigo wondered distantly how would it feel to smash his fist on the doctor's face and heard a high pitched laugh in his head.

Yeah, there was that. The doctor seemed smug because he had been right all along. He was insane.

"To keep the delusions at bay," he finally said when the silence stretched uncomfortably.

"So you're not dreaming anymore?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Or at least I don't remember them."

The doctor smiled. "That's good then. What about the other voice?" there was a glint in the doctor's eye Ichigo didn't like at all. But it was of no consequence, if he was insane then the other voice was another delusion.

Maybe he just needed more drugs to keep that one quiet as well. That other voice was annoyingly persistent.

He was about to say something when a knock on the door startled him. He could see by the doctor's expression he had not been expecting it either, and he was far from pleased.

"Doctor Yamagawa?" One of the orderlies opened the door, stepping barely inside. "There's some people here insisting in seeing you."

The doctor scowled. "I'm in the middle of a session."

"I know, but--" the orderly didn't finish the sentence, his eyes suddenly closing and his body sagging forward. A hand encircled his waist and held him upright, the door opening further to reveal two people.

Ichigo blinked. It wasn't possible.

_The cavalry. At last._

"Oh my, what perfect timing," Kisuke Urahara said entering the room. Yoruichi was on his heels, holding the unconscious orderly and dragging his body inside the office. They closed the door behind them.

Ichigo stared at them, disbelief etched on his face.

It couldn't be. They weren't real.

"What are you doing here? Who are you? What have you done to him?" The doctor snapped, his eyes moving from the unconscious man propped against his door to the two intruders in his office. He looked torn and terribly angry.

"You!" Ichigo said, his eyes narrowing sharply.

If Urahara was there then he wasn't insane. If he wasn't insane then his dreams were definitely real. And if they were real, then Urahara himself was to blame for him ending up there.

His head began to throb at the realization.

"Kurosaki-san," Urahara said approaching him, "I apologize, I didn't know you were here or I'd come sooner."

The doctor stood up from his desk, his hand going to the button which would call everyone in the building to his office. Yoruichi was next to him in a second, her strong hand curled around his wrist.

"I wouldn't do that, Doctor," she said with a smile that was all teeth. "We just want to take our friend back with us."

"You--you--" the doctor spluttered, his eyes growing impossibly large. "Who are you?"

"That guy over there," Yoruichi said pointing her head to Urahara, "is Kisuke Urahara and I'm Shihouin Yoruichi. The two guys you can't see behind us are Abarai Renji and Kuchiki Rukia. And we are shinigami."

Ichigo was looking around, trying to see Renji and Rukia and at the same time trying to stave off the headache hundreds of forgotten dreams and memories were causing inside his confused brain.

"You don't exist!" The doctor said, though the evidence they did was in front of his eyes. He looked again at the unconscious orderly. He didn't look smug anymore.

"Oh, we do," Urahara said merrily. "And the guy outside your window, be glad you can't see him, the one who looks like he wants to tear you limb from limb, that's Grimmjow. And he also exists."

The doctor sat down again, staring at them with a mixture of fear and disbelief. Ichigo looked out of the window, wishing he could see. He turned to Urahara again. "You are real," he said, and suddenly his mouth felt as if full of cotton, the world blurring around the edges.

"Yes, I'm sorry for all this." He had his hand on the back of Ichigo's neck and a strange feeling was slowly engulfing him, the colours around him sharpening and then swirling around. He closed his eyes against the wave of dizziness and when he opened them again he could see everything.

He looked at Rukia, exactly the way she had been in his dreams, still wearing the same shinigami uniform. Renji was by her side, his lips curling in a smile when he noticed Ichigo was staring at him.

"What did you do to me just now?" Ichigo said, that strange feeling of not giving a fuck about anything leaving him slowly.

"Just a bit of kidou, to remove the reiatsu block," Urahara said. "Your memories will come back a bit slower, but they will come back."

Ichigo nodded and turned to look out of the window. Grimmjow was there, looking at him through narrowed eyes. He also looked exactly the same as he had done in his dreams, from his spiky blue hair to those sharp eyes. Ichigo felt his mouth curl in a smirk.

He was glad to see the bastard.

_Later, Shinigami._ Grimmjow mouthed before disappearing from sight.

He turned his attention to the doctor, who was staring at him from his desk with a fierce scowl which didn't quite cover his fear.

"Good-bye doctor," he said. He was glad some of the drugs were still in his system, or he would be very tempted to strangle him, though it seemed the release of his reiatsu was quickly making them disappear. He felt more clear-headed than he had done in days. Also, his anger was returning. "I told you I wasn't delusional and they were real." He turned to look at Urahara, who was staring at him with a familiar and annoying smile on his face. "Though I don't believe you will remember them, right Urahara-san?"

He shook his head. "No, I don't think he will."

He got something out of his pocket that stirred a faint recognition in Ichigo, and walked toward the doctor. "Don't worry doctor, this won't hurt."

With one last look at the doctor's scared face, Ichigo turned to the door and finally left that place.

…

**Epilogue**

It was strange being back to the place where his house used to be. There was nothing there except an empty solar and memories. Ichigo had no use for the former, and he was just getting used to have the latter back.

There was still a lot of anger and sorrow inside of him. His situation had not allowed him to deal with the loss of his family and friends properly. Not while having to worry if he was insane.

It was barely a week since he had left the institution, and he had spent most of that time in Urahara's basement. His memories hadn't come to him at one but in small bouts and leaps, and he was glad for that.

He'd had a week long headache as it was, he didn't want to think how painful would have been to remember all at the same time.

It felt good to be back in his spiritual form. He had not realized how much he had got used to the freedom it gave him leaving his body behind, and the power his spiritual form contained. And the fact that he could move undetected through the streets.

This last part was useful. Especially because he was certain he wasn't going to be alone for long.

Renji and Rukia had stayed for a couple of days, managing to put off returning to Soul society thanks to Byakuya. Urahara had been right at least in one account, Rukia told him, Soul Society had been searching for him since his disappearance. He had to guess, since his friends didn't know the reason, that it was a good thing they didn't find him.

It had been good talking to them, and it helped sort out the memories he was getting back like loose pieces of a puzzle. Somehow the last year in that hideous place felt more like a dream now than his previous ones ever did.

But it had been real, and he still got really pissed off when he remembered how exactly he ended up in that place.

"You're easier to find now, Shinigami," Grimmjow's voice at his back announced the arrival of the bastard he had to thank for that one.

"I wasn't exactly hiding," he said turning to look at him.

He had not seen Grimmjow since that day in the institution, but had been certain Grimmjow would appear again sooner or later. He always did. It wasn't even surprising anymore that the moment he laid his eyes on Grimmjow he felt like slamming him against the closest wall. Whether to beat him bloody or fuck him senseless was never completely clear to him.

Most of the times they were the same thing.

"We have some unfinished business, Shinigami," Grimmjow said, stalking to him in a way that put him to mind of a large cat approaching his prey. The smile on his lips was nothing short of feral and it made Ichigo's blood boil with desire. "It's been a long time."

He gritted his teeth, willing his body to behave. "And who do you think I have to thank for that, Grimmjow?" he asked snidely.

Grimmjow cocked an eyebrow at him. "It was that Urahara who left you in that condition, Kurosaki."

"It was you beating the shit out of me what landed me in the fucking loony bin, you bastard!" he finally snapped, taking the remaining step separating him from Grimmjow and pushing him against a wall.

"I don't like being ignored," Grimmjow said harshly, and to Ichigo he sounded like a petulant child.

He took another step forward, his face scant inches from Grimmjow. "I couldn't see you, you idiot!"

Grimmjow glared at him and then he grabbed Ichigo's head and mashed their mouths together. "You can see me now," he growled against Ichigo's mouth, "and you can touch me."

Ichigo opened his mouth and let Grimmjow's tongue invade it, engaging it in a dominance battle he really didn't mind losing. He pressed himself more firmly against Grimmjow's body, the heat radiating off him in waves.

"Yes, and I can fuck you," he said moving his mouth to nip at Grimmjow's neck, his hands already working on divesting him of his clothes.

It was a good thing they were both invisible to the people moving around them on the street, though the idea of someone with enough reiatsu to spot them didn't bother him much. If anything, it just excited him more.

"I believe I called that one, Kurosaki," Grimmjow said, gripping his shoulders and reversing their positions.

He let himself being manhandled, too excited to care who was going to fuck who at the time. There was always time for a little revenge later, and he _had_ wanted Grimmjow. Even if he hadn't been certain Grimmjow was real then.

Their clothes were disposed of in no time, and Ichigo wrestled them both to the ground, rolling until he was pinned under Grimmjow's body. His mouth was insistent and he was feeling slightly light headed, the friction of their bodies and the sensation of all that skin against his almost too much to bear. It had been a long time.

Grimmjow broke the kiss, one of his hands leaving Ichigo's body only to return slightly coated with saliva. Ichigo spread his legs eagerly, and arched up at the feeling of those fingers pushing into him with quick and efficient moves. They were too anxious to care about proper preparation, but it had been a year and he didn't want to end up badly hurt. He was surprised Grimmjow was even bothering to prepare him.

An eternity later, all too soon, the finger withdrew and Grimmjow was pushing inside of him. Ichigo stiffened at the burning pain, forcing himself to relax against the intrusion, and grabbed Grimmjow's head, kissing him savagely.

"Move," he snarled against Grimmjow's mouth when the pain ebbed away, and Grimmjow complied readily.

It was hard and fast from there, Ichigo's back scraping against the hard ground with each thrust, his nails digging in Grimmjow's back. It had been too fucking long.

It was over too soon, Grimmjow pounding him while he kissed savagely, biting his lips until Ichigo was mindless with need. And then there was a hand around his cock, pulling hard, and he was coming, his shout muffled against Grimmjow's mouth. Grimmjow thrust inside of him a few more times before stiffening and coming, slumping on top of Ichigo's body without a care for his comfort.

"That was good, Kurosaki," he said, and he sounded so smug Ichigo wanted to kill him.

"Yeah, now get off me."

They dressed again in silence, Ichigo looking at the solar where his house used to be and then sling down the wall, his eyes closed. He had just done the exact same thing he did last time, but he couldn't get himself to regret it. It wouldn't bring his family back, and this at least reminded him he was alive.

His sanity was still questionable, though.

"I still want to kill that Urahara," Grimmjow said breaking the silence, and Ichigo saw he was sitting next to him, leaning against the wall as well.

He barked a laugh. "You can't kill Urahara, he's stronger than I am and you can't kill me."

Grimmjow glared at him.

"He'd kill you without even releasing his bankai," Ichigo continued seeing how Grimmjow's eyes narrowed, he was enjoying this.

Grimmjow smirked. "Jealous, Kurosaki?"

"Yes," he said, "the one who's going to kill you is going to be me."

He leaned toward Grimmjow and grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him closer. The kiss wasn't sweet and gentle but hard and possessive, exactly the way he liked it. He wasn't expecting romance, but he had learned a couple of things about himself inside the institution.

"Just so long as you remember I will be the one to kill you," Grimmjow said breaking the kiss and looking at him hungrily. "You're mine."

"I fucking hate you," Ichigo said with feeling and Grimmjow had the nerve to laugh.

"I know. Almost as much as I hate you." Grimmjow stood up, casting a last amused look at Ichigo. "I have no use for love, Ichigo. Hate though, yeah. Hate me as much as you want. Hate only me," he said before disappearing.

Ichigo stayed there, staring at the empty place where Grimmjow had been a second before. He laughed, shaking his head.

Grimmjow would be back, of that he was certain. And he couldn't wait for the next encounter.

Maybe he should consider going back to the institution after all.

He was insane enough to warrant it.

…

Fin


End file.
